The Hunger Games: My struggle with eating disorders
I have become more confident in my self-image in recent years. Image contributed by Ally Ortolani.
By Ally Ortolani
Opinion Editor
I have it under control.
These are the words I would tell myself at 14 years old before I would forcibly stick a toothbrush down my throat to puke remnants of last night’s dinner. I spent the summer of 2013 at an eating disorder facility and clearly, it worked.
I have it under control.
These are the words I would tell myself at 16 years old after I took a pencil sharpener apart just to engrave the word “fat” into my arm. That razor was my best friend.
I have it under control.
These are the words I would tell myself at 20 years old after I took approximately 150 mg of Adderall, then downing it with several espresso shots. My resting heart rate was 100 bpm and I was probably 10 pounds underweight after not eating for a literal week. Could it have been possible that I could have had a heart attack?
Yes, definitely.
I spent a third of life in and out of therapy for my quite extensive eating disorders. Thanks to bulimia and anorexia, I was wildly depressed for most, if not all, of my teen years. I was eventually prescribed different drugs to make me “feel” better. And to an extent, it did relieve some of my anxiety.
This one is for Prozac; you got me through rough times.
I’ve tried a plethora of methods to fix the chaos in my head; however, there just wasn’t enough “Coldplay” or sad indie music to cure my eating disorders.
The worst of my anorexia was when I was 18 years old until about 20 years old. I was taking Adderall like it was candy. Heavy dosages were considered to be over 40 mg, and at my worst, I was taking 150 mg.
As chaotic as my teen years have been, I’m sure I’m not the only one who has been as reckless as I am. I know I’m not.
Eating disorders are extremely common; in fact, more than 30 million Americans will experience an eating disorder in their lifetime.
According to a Journal of American College Health study, eating disorders often emerge during college. College is the perfect storm of living independently, feeling stressed to get good grades and facing body image issues—all of which make eating disorders extremely common.
It is undoubtedly important to expose others to the harsh realities of eating disorders. There is a stigma attached to all mental illnesses—not just eating disorders. The only way to end this cycle is to spread education and awareness.
So, where am I today? Obviously alive and not dead. I wouldn’t be here writing this column if I was, in fact, dead.
It took quite a bit of time to get where I am today. Having a great support system, finding a therapist that I could connect to and medication (which I am proudly no longer on) has allowed me to be confident in the woman I am today.
I am healthy, happy and unapologetically me. Maybe chaotic too, but who’s asking?