Sports, cars and more: A commentary for men
By Jeremy Hopkins
As story ideas are brought up for the Campus Chronicle, I notice a severe lack of article ideas targeted at men. There’s nothing wrong with articles on the perfect spring bathing suit, signs you’re dating the wrong guy, or romantic comedies. However, my manhood feels slighted. I decided to take the issue into my own burly hands. This is for you, guys.
What’s manlier than some football? Peyton Manning is now a Bronco. Not only is “man” the prefix on the back of his jersey, but his mascot is now an untrained, reckless horse and he gets to test his lungs every Sunday in the mile-high city’s thin air. Have you ever tried throwing a football 50 yards while 300-pound men juiced up on steroids are trying to kill you, all while you can’t breathe? Well, neither have I, but I bet it’s hard, and definitely manly.
In all seriousness, one of football’s best players is no longer with the team that essentially belonged to him. If men could cry, this would surely do the trick. Manning joins arguably one of the least manly coaches in the NFL, John Fox. Although he’s had considerable success, Fox won’t be able to work with someone as undeniably manly as Manning. Manning likes to do things his way. He changes the play at the line of scrimmage four or five times just because he can, and throws footballs at children on television (thank you, Saturday Night Live).
Fox likes to have his players run the ball; his team led the league in rushing last season. Manning takes a day and a half to run the 40-yard dash (he could be the fastest player in the league of course, but only if he felt like it). Am I the only one who thinks that this relationship won’t work? If you take two strong personalities with two different football ideologies and put them in the same film room, blood will flow, and it won’t be Manning’s. Look for Bronco fans to be chanting “Te-bow, Te-bow” halfway through his mediocre 2012-13 season, only to realize they traded him away.
Raise your hand if you’re watching Major League Baseball’s spring training. Okay, I guess I am the only one, but it’s a great way to pass the time as you gnaw through a couple dozen wooly mammoth hearts. The Tigers sure are looking solid this Spring Training. This team is the best thing to come out of Detroit since the Ford Pinto. Oh, wait…
In other MLB news, the Texas Rangers are terrible. They won back-to-back American League championships the past two years, but are worst in their league during 2012 Spring Training. This team is perhaps the worst thing to come out of Texas since, (enter president here). It’ll be a great season, and I mean it. A million baseballs will be thrown at enormous speeds and many times more wings will be eaten using peppers hot enough to burn a man’s skin. I’ve never been more excited for a Major League Baseball season, even though a couple drunken, but manly, Bostonian businessmen and I are still mourning Jason Varitek’s retirement.
However, knowing how these things work, the Rangers will likely come back to shock the baseball world, get to the World Series, and then return to mediocrity as quickly as Starbucks can make a venti, manly, black coffee with a couple shots of espresso and absolutely no cream.
Cars. Fast, loud cars. Ford has released a new 2013 Mustang that might become the new best thing out of Detroit. Yes, even better than the 2012 Detroit Tigers. The amped-up version of the new pony pulls a 5.0L V-8 engine with 420 horses in its herd. It takes a manly car to pull that many horses down the highway. It will also get up to 31 miles per gallon on the highway, but being men, we don’t really care about that.
Believe it or not, there’s something called men’s fashion too. Thus, I’m going to give you some unwarranted advice. Looking good is actually okay to do. And I don’t mean wearing a pastel polo, khaki pants and Sperry’s. Throw on a button-down, a tie, some nice pants, and real shoes, and you’ll have your dream job within a week. Guaranteed. Just kidding, but you’ll be a man. A popular, professional-looking man. Then, buy yourself a 2013 Mustang, and then head to Florida to watch some Spring Training.
So guys, as you’re devouring your two-pound steak, be proud of your manhood. As bikinis, Cosmo, and “Love Actually” seem to be the most important elements of society, hold strong to what